Hello, FY1 speaking
Dear Doctor,
I hope you are doing well. I hope your family and friends are happy and well.
I can count the number of days I have been a working doctor. But, just like my colleagues, I have been pulling long days and nights at the hospital. Most days, we have been staying beyond our scheduled hours, and I have never been more tired.
But every time I put my bag down in the locker room, every time I am running through the corridor trying to answer my bleep (the tiny device from an era that's long past which beeps with the phone number of the ward that needs you), and during every other activity that will one day seem mundane, I feel nothing but gratitude to be able to live out my dream. I am grateful to have made my family happy.
Many people have been asking me, "How is working for the first time in your life?" and more recently, my mum asked me, "What have you learnt?"
I thought I'd try answering those questions here.
How has working life been treating me?
For the most part, it is fun. There are about ten of us- the most junior doctors in my specialty. Working with all of them, complaining about how busy it is with them, and struggling to figure problems out with them have been fun.
But it has also been challenging. This week, I had to verify someone's death and call the time of death, I had to perform intimate examinations on patients, and I had to learn to monitor tens of patients at the same time.
That takes me on to answer to the next question, what is it that I have learned.
- Shifting mindset from 'I have to' to 'I get to': Every time my feet hurt, every time I am craving food or sleep when I get home, and every time the job is emotionally demanding, I try to remind myself of how grateful I am for this life. I am grateful to face the difficulties that come with doing something I am passionate about.
- Understanding the 'why': I take with me an A4 sheet of paper every morning and write down the tasks I need to do for all the patients that I am looking after. This could be something as simple as 'Order CT and keep an eye out for the results', or 'Discharge the patient after advice', to something like 'Call and beg haematologists to review a patient.'
On the days when it is hectic and the list is long, I need to stop myself for a few seconds and remind myself of the why. 'Why' did I choose this career? Why did they offer me a place at medical school? My 'why' was definitely not to tick off the tasks (no matter how satisfying that might be). My 'why' is every single patient I meet. I don't want the need to complete my A4 sheet of tasks to overshadow how present I am when the person in front of me is crying. - Realising what I want to leave at the table: Two days ago, I was emailed with an opportunity to work an additional night shift during the weekend. I can either accept or decline it. The pay for this was extremely good, especially in comparison to what we get for a normal night shift (probably because they are desperate for more staff for this night in question).
For context, I have been working 11-hour shifts every day this week. I have the weekend off, and I am back to working 13-hour shifts for the rest of the following week.
The money is tempting, and I do enjoy the job, but I was looking forward to some alone time. I was going back and forth with this decision when I remembered a concept that I came across in one of Ali Abdaal's newsletters. It's the idea that you need to leave something behind at the table.
From the scenario above, I can either pick up the shift (and in turn the money) or I can pick up the free time. Either way, I have to leave something behind at the table. The intention behind this concept is to force one to realise the hidden costs of decisions. If I pick up the money, I will leave behind on the table the opportunity to go to the gym, write this post, reflect on the week, meal prep for the following week, read, socialise, and most importantly, to rest. If I pick up the free time from the table, I will leave behind the money that I don't really need at this given moment. That is what I chose to do. I left the money behind that I don't need as an investment in myself.
A Letter to my older self,
Reminding you where you started,
Signing off for the first time as,
Dr Nivetha Sudhakar Kalaivani (FY1)
